Johannah Mackin: Blog

The other day I was looking through old journal entries and came across words I forgot I'd written. I didn't record the date so I can't remember the exact timing, but I do remember where I was and what I'd been thinking about. I continue to ask myself the question of what really satisfies me. Most of my honest answers horrify me as they reveal the shallowness of my heart and the unmet longings of my soul. Maybe you can relate:

"I often sing about it and think about it, and say Jesus satisfies me. But my thought life, my behavior, my actions, and my obsessions don't always line up with my own lyrics. And so here is the crisis: God created me to know him. When I was saved I exchanged my old life for a new one- once unholy, now holy, once unclean, now clean, once unjustified, now justified, once afraid, now brave and fearless (most days), once a sinner, now free from sin. So why this tug of war between the new girl and the old one? I know my flesh, that unsanctified old part of me, wages war with my spirit, the place where God's Spirit dwells, and stuck in the middle is my poor old soul, being pulled in both directions, teetering between life and death, truth and fiction, fear and courage. My mind, will and emotions cry out for peace and my flesh says, "Eat this, you'll feel better! Watch this, you'll feel better! Buy this, you'll feel better!" All the while, the Holy Spirit in me whispers a deeper, more eternal truth. "Eat the Word, it's honey to your soul!" Guard your heart, for it's the wellspring of life! Buy wisdom, search for it, and you will have the favor of man!"

When my soul is out of sorts, I will either satisfy my flesh or my spirit. I know how to do both well. Today I recognize the rules of engagement. I understand the opposition would rather I just pack up and go home. When I say yes to God's invitation, whatever it may be for today, I am satisfying something eternal and priceless. When I turn from the temporary peace offered by my flesh, I am strengthening my spirit.

Lord, you know my heart, how it pushes and pulls in many directions, sometimes grasping for peace through any means. Let the only peace I seek be that which flows from You. When my flesh cries out for something to satisy it, let the words of my mouth put it in its place. I want to stay so close to the Spirit that every decision, every action, every word and every intent finds its beginning in You. Fill me anew with Your Spirit. Guide me and teach me. You satisfy me!